... and called me back!

twice.

dg2 watched my audition!

that's all i really wanted.

tummy pain

so i went to the emergency room last night. i was having terrible abdominal pains that wouldn't go away, and i didn't know what it was, so i'm thinking appendicitis and want to get it checked out. they ran a bunch of tests, and everything looked fine. the final diagnosis was 'undifferentiated abdominal pain', which i guess is a fancy way of saying 'your tummy hurts and we don't know why'.

i'm fine now, for the most part. the whole experience was actually not that bad compared to some hospital nightmares i've had in the past. MW took good care of me.

it's first day of classes, and i have my audition later tonight, as well.

speaking of music

i've only been playing the keyboard for about four months. i am not monstrously talented. i can play chords, and i pick out notes by ear, sometimes. but that's it. i don't even know why i think i can write songs, if you can call them that. more like sung poems with chords underneath. people study this stuff years and years.

regardless, other musicians seem to have a way of finding me. i got a facebook message from LJE the other day. he's sort of a friend of a friend, we met and talked about music once or twice, he's got really good taste. he knows more about the music scene then probably anyone i know. anyway, so he messages me, says he ran across my youtube videos and realized it was me (dammit). he wants to 'collaborate'. i don't really know what that means, but it sounds like fun.

and then, last night at the sharista's house, i ran into a guy that i sort of knew, the way that people who date people in the theatre program always seem to be around even though you've never taken a class with them. we were formally introduced, started talking about music, hit it off, he plays guitar and writes good melodies without words, i write good words with peripheral melodies, there you go. so we'll see about that.

oh, and E burnt me a copy of say i am you by the weepies. beautiful. brilliant. 'world spins madly on' makes me cry every time i try to sing along.

ben's lucky day

so my friend JW and i made a whole movie yesterday. (it was a very short movie.) i had written the script for a him a while ago, last semester sometime, but he got everything ready and we filmed it. that's what i like about him -- he gets things done. it's tentatively called ben's lucky day, since my original title, the wizard of magicland, no longer seems to make sense. it was a good time. i played the main part, which is something i've never done.

so now he just needs to edit it (i know nothing about that sort of thing), and we'll have a fun little short movie on our hands. i'm going to show him wind machine, as well. it's beyond the scope of anything we could actually pull off, seeing as how giant wind-making machines, trained animals, and car crashes are beyond our budget, but i think he'll like it. and i have brass fasteners now, so i can print a copy. won't that be fun?

AND we tossed around ideas for more movies at the hookah bar yesterday. we'll be making something again.

one week

it's officially one week until classes start. being in between jobs and not really have anything else to do, an empty week is a really long time. i won't mind when it's over.

i guess i did everything i wanted to do this summer, more or less. busy times, crazy times, relaxing times. i never did make it to pirate camp though.

'wind machine' first draft finished

well, i did it. i said i was going to finish my screenplay that i started for script frenzy this weekend, and i did it.

by finish, of course, i mean i started where i left off and wrote until i got the ending i wanted. i'm sure i skipped some pretty important scenes (i just thought of one in particular, just now). but i have a beginning, a languishing middle, and a hurried end. not bad.

it's more then i can say for my last two novels for nanowrimo. last year's, called finder's key-pers, achieved the required word count, but the story was just getting started. i might pick up where i left off for this year's nano, if i really am insane enough to do it again. the year before that, dixie strange and the infinite staircase, is the most promising idea out of anything i've ever written, but stops disastrously halfway through due to circumstances that were beyond my control. the heroine of the title nags at me from the back of my mind at least once a week, and a couple days ago i finally obliged her and added a page or so, but it's not enough. she wants to know how she ends up.

the point is, i started it, i finished it. i'm going to let it sit for a couple days, but i've made another promise to come up with a plan, at least, for the second draft by next sunday.

oh, it's called wind machine, by the way.

friend request

i got a facebook friend request earlier today. this is not an infrequent occurrence, however, when the person in question happens to be the head of the school of theatre arts and dance at the university you attend, it is a cause for some thought.

i'm still not sure if it's a joke. i don't think it is. but as it stands right now, i have 23 mutual friends with the one and only DG2.

i've been thinking about this from a lot of different angles. if he's trying to connect with the students, and perhaps create a way with which to communicate with his department and alumni, genius move. i applaud that a man of his age would be open to such an approach. on the other hand, i feel ... violated? yes, i know facebook is for everyone, every since the college exclusivity dropped several months back, but it is still a place where i connect with my peers. the fact that the man who will, in a couple weeks, be seeing my audition can also read my news feed ... i don't know. that makes me feel strange.

---

there were originally about 600 more words to this post, but i don't want to send them out right now. suffice to say, i came to some conclusions about identity and some things i need to do to readjust myself again.

i'll let you know how it goes.

jostling

i think i've finally realized that there is something about changing location that jostles my subconscious and unleashes creativity. whenever i go on vacation, i bring a notebook because i always get ideas as soon as i get there. i had more dreams when i went home. now that i'm back, i have all these ideas for new songs.

if i wanted to maximize my output (making me sound like a robot), and be coming up with new things all the time, i would have a number of different places i could reside and just move from one to the other all the time.

sorting out the weekend

i think i lost a day somewhere in here. i thought that my war dream happened two nights ago ... but today is sunday, and the dream was thursday night ...

ah, yes. friday night was barefoot in the park at the vic. two of my friends from school were in it, had to go see it, met more friends from school at the show, went to a restaurant in denver afterwards, yes. saturday i saw another friend who graduated last december, caught up, yes. i've seen an old friend (or two) every day since i've been down here, tonight being the exception, unless i get a call. i saw sunshine with my mother, instead. i'm still thinking about it.

see, because i had another nightmare last night, and i thought they had been two nights in a row, but i guess that was not the case. can't share this one, sorry, too disturbing.

woo brain slow down

numberbots and alphabots

i found my old numberbots and alphabots from when i was younger. man, i love those things. they're the numbers zero through nine, and all the letters, and they turn into little robots. why i didn't bring them with me when i went to college is beyond me. i was only playing with them for a few short minutes when i found myself wrapped up in another one of their crazy adventures. right now, seven is being held prisoner by u, y, and t (today, the numbers are good and the letters are evil. sometimes they're both on the same side), who have also taken control of one of the energy mines. v was destroyed in an epic duel with eight (well, we're supposed to think so. he'll actually come back later) and t is beginning to wonder if working for evil is all it's cracked up to be (he'll end up switching sides ... t for traitor).

i was googling for a link to show you what they look like, but apparently they are no longer made, and fellow internet travelers searching for them have come up short. this excited me, seeing as how i have a complete set of both. i would never sell them (well, depending on how much they went for ... no, no, i could never sell them) but maybe i could set up a website for general information on them, so other people who are looking for them can know. not like i know anything about them, expect for the superpowers and back stories i made up.

when i think about it, that's when i actually started writing. i wasn't putting pen to paper, but i was creating stories. albeit, formulaic stories based on power rangers episodes, but stories none the less. stories that changed the lives of the characters: nine once lost her power and had to be reprogrammed for a new one, the continuing love drama between two and six (will they ever get together?), and the most tragic event, one i remember clearly to this day, when zero was killed. his memory was saved and programmed into the central computer, and they developed a holographic representation of him, but he was never solid again.

i should start writing these down.

war dream

i had a dream last night that drew from toothpaste for dinner posted an inflammatory video on the internet, which i knew would end up starting a war, somehow. i was driving in a car with him and some other people, and it was night, and there was a large, terrifying explosion in the distance, but it turned out just to be his video broadcasting out to the entire city. we drove to some house (i think i lived there, but i didn't recognize it) and i started packing up as much food as i could. no one else seemed to be as concerned as i was. i packed lots of boxes of crackers, and threw away at least half a dozen empty jars of peanut butter.

so we're driving again, and there's another explosion, and i knew the war had started. my dad was driving, i think, and drew was in the back with my brother and someone else. we gave him a pillow to cover his face with so know one would see him. we told him he had to shave his beard, lest someone recognize him and kill us all. he asked why i didn't have to shave my beard, and i said it was because i wasn't the one who had started the war, but i was considering shaving it anyway so no one would confuse me with him.

so the roads are clogged now, but somehow we're still moving really fast. we see K running beside the car and have to open the door and drag her in with the car still running. i'm frantic about where M might be, and i start desperately trying to make a plan. i ask everyone whether we want to go to mexico or canada, and we decide canada. i tell my father not to drive us through any major cities.

just then, there is another explosion, closer and louder than any of the others, and i wake up. my heart was racing and i was short of breath. it's the first nightmare i've had in a long time.

i've often entertained the idea of packing up my necessities and moving to a different country. being forced out by a war is terrifying, but also kind of exciting. i'd like to think i could survive rather well under those conditions.

home

so i'm in lakewood now, hanging out with the fam. this is a significant visit because it is the first time that i have come home without a reason. every time before, it was a holiday or some other get together or moving or whatever. but this time, i decided to come home. what for, you may ask? to sleep all day long, which i am doing rather successfully. to eat food that i don't have to pay for, and i am engorging myself. to actually get some writing done, because opportunities for other activities grow thin here.

and it never fails. it's my first day down, and what happens? i get two text messages inviting me to do fun things. thanks! where were you when i was gouging my eyes out with boredom this weekend? i guess E is my only real friend, or at least, the only friend i get to see when i really need one.

but i did get to see KH today, and we discussed her dutch/spanish/english/whatever boyfriend at great length. i wondered why anyone (and her of all people) would choose a long distance relationship. here i am, pining my heart out every day, hoping this year flies by quickly (but not too quickly), and KH is just throwing herself willy-nilly at a guy who lives on the other side of the atlantic. to each their own, i suppose. no judgments.

also saw the screenings for the 48 hour film fest. the film i was in, 'pie or die', was actually not that bad. i was pleased.

i got the library job yesterday. i'll be working at the circulation desk. no more cultural center for me, thank you! time to do something different. as i walked out that magnificent space fortress, i realized that this new job is going to pay only marginally better (actually, worse, if i had taken the raise) and that rent is still going to be a month-to-month battle, and any justification i ever had for switching had just evaporated into thin air.

and i got to thinking why on earth am i changing my job? what on earth am i doing home? i need to be staying in greeley getting in all the hours i can. but the bottom line is, i'm trusting my instincts. i feel like i need a change of pace at work. done. i feel like i want to get out of my hot hot greeley house. done.

the more i thought about it, what it essentially comes down to is escaping this gnawing, burning loneliness inside of me and the more i change about my life the more i feel like it's somebody else's life, a life where i don't miss being held or touched by someone i love every day. it doesn't quite connect, i know. maybe its more of a self-destructive spiral, and i'm just shaking things up for the hell of it. i don't know.

how long has she been gone? not even three weeks and i'm already going nuts. something is going to have to break, soon, i can feel it.

don't you hate it when

you get a text message inviting you to do something that sounds super fun, but you get it two hours late? and then you try to reply but no one answers? yeah, me too. so, my last night in greeley for a while will be spent alone, unless something changes. soon.

talked to M on video chat earlier. and no, she is not, as my hyperactive imagination would have me believe, dead of some terrible disease. which is comforting, to say the least. she's still sick, which worries me, but she's in pretty good spirits otherwise. this makes me smile.

recorded another cover for youtube today. it's a sufjan song, one i've always loved, and i think i did a pretty good job if i say so myself. there's another one in the works too, and then, according to my pattern, another original song. (fingers crossed)

aug 5

finished the seventh harry potter book today. a little behind everyone else, but before i found out how it ended, like last year. it was about as good as everyone had been saying. i enjoyed it.
missing M a lot today, and this weekend in general. i think not having much to occupy my time really does it. and not really wanting to leave the house doesn't help. hopefully when i go home later this week things will feel better.
i wrote last night for the first time in months. its part of a screenplay, i think. but the words aren't coming again tonight. still, it's a turn for the better i think.

when do the lonlies go away

and never come back

denver 48 film project

so, i just got done with shooting for a film for the denver 48 film project that's going on this weekend. it's not done yet, but my takes are. they've still got some more shooting to do, and they have to edit the whole thing, you know, but i'm done. the premise for the film is a little ridiculous, it's not brilliant my any means, but i think in the end it will read as mildly amusing.

the guys who are doing it are business majors here, so they have the money for nice equipment, but inspiration runs a little low. the director saw a chaos show once and invited some of us to come help out. it was fun, because we basically got to do whatever we wanted within the characters. we helped write a draft for one of the ideas, called 'please solicit', but they didn't go for it (it was even more ridiculous) which was fine. i want to flesh it out and see where it goes, because the characters and the dynamics are really solid, but we just needed to give them something to do.

that was the last thing i was looking forward to this summer. now ... i guess i'll just chill.

circles

we had pouring rain last night, and E and i went running through it. soaking wet, lightening flashing across the the entire sky, jumping through puddles and sprinklers. something inside me got stripped away then, but i can't quite put my finger on it. i'll come back to that.

so it's two a.m. this morning, and i'm at the house of these theatre sophomores i've been hanging out with recently. i'm lying in an arm chair, exhausted from dancing and looking up at the ceiling fan. and it's spinning. yes, that is what ceiling fans do. but i'm thinking, 'let's put a little dot on the end of one of those fan blades, and track it's course across the universe'. because these blades are spinning, and the earth is rotating on its axis, and orbiting the sun as well, which in turn is rotating around the center of the galaxy. in a couple hundred billion years or so, we'll have a nice spirograph.

i feel like i've thought about this before, but it landed in a totally different way last night (this morning?). because not only that, but the electrons are spinning around the nuclei in every substance around us, and our blood cells are cycling through our circulatory system (just look at the etymology of the word). all these circles and cycles everywhere! and this all hit me all at once in a grand explosion of understanding.

but there had to be another step, i thought. the jump from our blood and the ceiling fan to the entire planet was a little too far. there had to be an intermediate step, something larger then ourselves but smaller then the planet. what else could it be, not to sound cliche, but the circle of life. and not only that, but the life cycle (birth, growth, reproduction, death, thanks bill nye), the eastern view of time as a circle, our daily routine, etc. etc. etc.

and yes, yes, none of these ideas are new to me. and i'm not pretending to have made some grand discovery. but it all fell together in a way that made me realize ... i'm not sure. i'm not sure if i know anything more then i did yesterday, but i think what i gained was an awareness and a respect for the circular pattern of life. more to follow, i'm sure.

but in the rain ... in the rain, and i don't know why this is so, but something about every inch of my clothes being soaking wet and splashing barefoot in curbside puddles took away whatever it is i thought i wanted in my life right now and replaced it with the comfort that i am a complete, whole, human being and a successful, fortunate, and loved person.

moving in a circle.

human touch

i've been thinking a lot about human touch lately, which should be no surprise, as one tends to notice something that was once ubiquitous and is now absent. the only kind of human touch i remember from when i was young was tickling, which was an intense and pleasurable experience, and at the same time terrifying. every time my father touched me, i knew i was going to be tickled. so, it is no surprise then, when i feel an unexpected touch, my instinct is to jump away.

it is quite a paradox, as most things are with human personalities: i desire tactile contact so much, but i am also afraid of it. i don't know how to go about getting it. right now, all i really want is someone soft to touch.

and lunch.

fingers

writing prompt: describe your first brush with danger

fingers, being the very tips of our corporeal selves with which we manipulate the world, are the first to come in contact with any sort of danger. when i was very young, my mother had a sponge mop with a level halfway down the pole, and when you moved the lever, the mop would squeeze itself out. one day my wandering fingers found their way into the lever slot and ended up at the hospital for several stitches. i don't consciously remember this, but since then i have always been aware of moving pieces of machinery and how far my fingers are from them.

later, after i started being able to remember things but before my parent's church had moved out of the hotel at sixth and simms (don't go looking for it, it's a car dealership now), that same finger found itself caught in a bathroom door, the side with the hinges. my kindergarten arms not long enough to reach the door handle, all i could do was scream until the workers at the front desk came running to save me. a styrofoam cup and refreshment table ice was our prairie home remedy until we got to the hospital. i became the proud recipient of a metal finger splint, which earned me attention from my peers and the nickname 'terminator', which i did not understand, since the beyond-pg rating barred the movie from my pop culture options.

the same finger, my right index finger, had another incident years later with the screen door at the blue house. details escape me, except for the bleeding.

there is a scar on my left index finger from a project involving the japanese equivalent of mr. potato head. having made a misinformed ebay purchase (i didn't know display copies would have all their pieces glued together), but too proud to admit failure, i was taking them apart with an x-acto knife. something slipped, and the resulting gash revealed layers of skin i had never seen before. scars, like tattoos, are memories grafted onto our skin.

my fingers wander, too much, perhaps. or perhaps it's because they are very long (i should have been a pianist). but i still have all of them, but for how much longer, i don't know.